Building self-care into your life is awesome.
So why are some people so damn upset about it!? Why other people do not always support our self-care choices and a reminder that your self-care is none of their business. Plus, how I have aged out of binge writing and my new habit practice.
Time and time (and time and time) again, I’ve heard a version of this story: A person begins incorporating self-care into their life (and feeling good about it). They share this information with the people around them…. and those people react negatively.
They imply (or directly state) the person isn’t dedicated enough to their work.
They fear the person will fail at something because they took time out for self-care. They are judgemental about the self-care behaviours the person chooses to engage in.
They are passive-aggressive, or sometimes just aggressive, with their reactions. And inevitably, when talking to me, the person says: What gives?!? I’m doing something positive for myself, and instead of being supportive, I’m getting shit upon by the people around me!
Here is what gives.
When you make space for self-care – prioritizing yourself and your well-being – you challenge some strong, dominant narratives many people subscribe to. Ideas like:“If you don’t give this career everything you’ve got, you’re not serious about it.”“Sacrificing my well-being is the only way to be successful.”“There just isn’t time for self-care, and I can’t do anything about it.”“I can’t ‘play’ until I finish work… but the work is never done…”
You are an uncomfortable mirror.
When you engage in self-care in the face of these assumptions, you become an “uncomfortable mirror” for others. You are reflecting back to them something that challenges some pretty core assumptions – and that doesn’t feel good. If you can do self-care and still be successful, then the system doesn’t work the way they’ve been told it does.If you can balance and enjoy your life, they can too… (but it’s really hard work).When we are part of systems devaluing self-care, it is easier to go along with the workaholic expectations that link our worth to our productivity than push back and prioritize our self-care. By the way, other people might also express their opinions as just being concerned about you. They might even believe that. But their reaction is about them, not you.
Judgement about your self-care behaviours.
I would be remiss not to mention that society gives us a lot of (unhelpful) messages about the “right” and “wrong” ways to do self-care. These distinctions are often wrapped up in capitalist productivity assumptions and/or linked to the diet industrial complex. For example, believing that when we do have time for self-care, we need to prioritize exercise or food prep, as one example. This is a reminder: There is no right or wrong way to do self-care. Are you choosing something that replenishes you? Then it’s self-care. The end.
People need to chill.To be clear, other people’s reactions to YOUR self-care choices are not your problem. I like to remind myself of the saying, “Other people’s opinions of me are none of my business.”Your self-care choices are also no one else’s business. What you do to replenish your own self is up to you and you alone. I’ve personally found accepting this to be liberating: It gives me way fewer people to answer to when I only answer to ME!
What have I been up to?
Last week I mentioned that I had chosen to have a low self-care week on purpose, to finish a draft of my major paper for my M.Ed. course. Well, binge-writing is no longer a solid self-care-based work choice for me, and I am saying goodbye to that strategy. How did I know? Because instead of feeling relief or replenishment by finishing my draft, I felt uncomfortable frenetic energy, nausea, and a lot of neck pain. I think I’m too old for this now – a great example of how something that once worked might not work forever as our seasons of life change. Instead, I have been working on a new practice of resting regularly throughout my day to manage my energy more wisely. Not a habit that comes easily to me, and that’s okay. All I can do is practice, practice, practice.
In self-care solidarity,
